I am vindicated! I am exonerated! I am given time to recover and heal! I have been given the job I want! I am able to move more into my dream!

And yet I’ve been so sad. I struggle to feel “up.”

Part of it’s grief. I hear that cancer survivors’ hardest time emotionally occurs after they’ve beaten the cancer.

Part of it is simply ingratitude. The sin of Lucifer–wanting more. Thinking he was entitled to it. The sin of Adam and Eve — simply ungrateful for all God gave and instead focusing on what He didn’t give.

That’s what I’m struggling with, too. And behind it all are the age-old doubts whispered by our foe: Is God really good? Where was a good God in all this attack you just went through?

I’m also tempted with pride–as if I knew a better way for the story to go. As if I could see better than God. Instead of rejoicing with THANK YOUs!, I find myself shouting Why?! and It Hurts!! But I don’t let myself say those things out loud…

I don’t want to feel this way. I want my life to be marked with true gratitude. In good times and in bad to always believe that He is good, that He knows best, that He loves me more than I can ever imagine…more than anyone else loves me, and more than I love myself. And the way He’s writing His-story (and my story) is the best way the story could  be written.

Ann Voskamp writes in One Thousand Blessings, “One life-loss can infect the whole of a life. Like a rash that wears through our days, our sight becomes peppered with black voids. Now everywhere we look, we only see all that isn’t: holes, lack, deficiency.” I totally relate with this right now. I have to fight to see the good, even though it’s ALL AROUND ME. I’m just so tired of fighting. But I don’t want to stay this way. Living by focusing on the lack isn’t really living at all.

In this book, Voskamp argues that the holes from loss become the very places through which we can see past the mess of this world to the beauty of God. I’m looking forward to taking this journey with her.