Yesterday was the day our baby was supposed to be due. For about 10 days prior to the date, I was crying about it. I’m sad and I’m grieving, but I also sometimes let my emotions take me places I’m not supposed to go. Like thinking, “I don’t want to eat cake that day, I want to go to the hospital! I’m supposed to be 9 months pregnant right now!” Except that I’m not, and that I never was supposed to be — I’m right where I’m supposed to be. And believing that what “was supposed to be” has been taken from me, never to be returned, is simply a lie AND a cocktail for depression.
Any case, I was dreading the due date. I had been so sad for days leading up to it. But that morning when I woke up, the song “This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it” popped in my head. And throughout the day it was there, reminding me that this day was from God and that it was good to rejoice in it (rather than lament, dread, or fear it).
Prior to this day, I bought a beautiful coral and beige scented pillar candle, and placed it on a glass square candle holder etched with butterflies (I LOVE butterflies and the spiritual transformation that they represent). So in the wee hours of the morning before I left for work, I lit the candle and spent some time with God reflecting on the loss and my emotions at that moment. This candle will be my Shiloh candle, and I plan to light it in her memory on any important family days or other times when I’m grieving the loss of her.
Throughout the day, I received several notes of encouragement and prayer. And those really, really helped. Just knowing so many people were thinking of me and praying for me. And I got a couple phone calls, so I was able to process some emotions.
We drove down to Niki’s parents’ that night. And when we got there, I found a beautiful floral arrangement in our bedroom. Niki had arranged for it to be sent from Shiloh. They were my most favorite flowers (and they are exquisite and make the room smell so lovely). With the flowers was a letter rolled up like a scroll and tied with a pink ribbon. Niki had typed it up as a letter to me from Shiloh,. It was so creative, and fun, and Holy-Spirit inspired. It made me laugh, smile, and at the very end, cry just a little bit, but in a totally happy way. I was so moved by it. And it was actually so believable that it was from her. And it was so uplifting and encouraging. JUST what I needed.
Niki’s mom made an incredible coconut cake for us as part of the commemoration celebration. And then the kids and I wrote a note for Shiloh, attached it to a Happy Birthday mylar balloon, and then set it free to fly up to heaven for her (metaphorically, of course). I kissed the kids goodnight (I have such a greater appreciation and fondness for them now that I’ve experienced this loss, and went to bed happy.
The only difference between all the other days and this one was people praying for me. It’s amazing how even my emotions can tell the difference when people are praying for me!