It seems that the less I have to do, the more stress and anxiety I experience. Mostly about things I can do nothing about, but convince myself that I suddenly have the capacity to do something about since I’m “not doing anything.”
Thus I’ve spent most my maternity leave – my appointed time of rest and family bonding – being stressed out about a whole host of things. Then I stop and go, “what am I so stressed out about?” I mean, if I were back at work, then I could have something to be stressed out about. But now, I even have time to take naps – in theory – but am so worried or busy that I can’t seem to make it to one. Not to mention that Joseph isn’t much of a daytime sleeper… and he’s an extrovert… which means when he’s up, I’m up.
All that to say – I know God has been telling me for awhile now to rest. And now I feel like I’m throwing that away when I can avail myself of it the most. And I suspect the enemy’s in there enticing me along as well.
I’ve taken up concerted praying for the things that are worrying me. Restraining myself as much as possible from doing anything about them, and instead really trying to trust them to God.
I feel like I’m fighting myself all the time – I want to be a person with a quiet, gentle, and peaceful spirit, but as much as I go through the disciplines of those things, I still end up worried, frenetic, and busy. As Paul said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “no matter what I really want, there’s another law at work in my body, waging war against the law of my mind — What a wretched and tortured woman I am! Who will rescue me? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”