A humorous forward that I customized (I am not into forwards, but this one was worth a good chuckle):
Are you a Martha or a Kelly?
Martha’s Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Kelly’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. Who has marshmallows lying around anyway? If I haven’t eaten them, the kids have.
Martha’s Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Kelly’s Way: Buy Idahoan instant mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year. If they bud, file a lawsuit and you’ll be an instant millionaire.
Martha’s Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Kelly’s Way: Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.
Martha’s Way: If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.”
Kelly’s Way: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Let’s say it together – “I made it and you will eat it” Or, you can take me out if you prefer! Who has potatoes on hand anyway? I’ve only got this Idahoan stuff…
Martha’s Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when put in the frig and it will keep for weeks. Kelly’s Way: Celery? Never heard of it! Besides, why would you want to keep it around for weeks?
Martha’s Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a glossy finish.
Kelly’s Way: Bake? I thought those things were pre-made.
Martha’s Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Kelly’s Way: (to a familiar, catchy tune) “Put da lime in da Coke, you nut, and drink it on down!” Take with 3 Ibuprofen, and you’re in the clear.
Martha’s Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening easy.
Kelly’s Way: If you have a problem opening jars, ask a man or toss the jar.
Martha’s Way: Don’t throw out that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Kelly’s Way: Leftover wine?